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Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Dull Crap Becomes Important Crap by Ed Williams



Dull Crap Becomes Important Crap When You Get Older!

God, I’m almost embarrassed to write this article, as I’m really gonna be telling on myself in a major way…..I have to do it, though. It’s too late for me to be rescued from my own fate, but perhaps it will help someone out there avoid the same in years to come. Hey, it might even be used to aid in the cause of anti-aging research, at least I hope so.
Bottom line, the reason for today’s article is both simple yet profound. It’s also undeniable. So, without further ado, our reason for being here today is:

I’m finding, as I get older, I want to talk about drivel, stuff that in years past I’d never have mentioned to anyone. I’d not have found it important or interesting enough.


Bear with me, it’ll make more sense in a few, unfortunately. This past Saturday, I needed to get the oil changed in my truck. Around 2 pm or so, I ran it over to the garage that does such things for me. And since Ole Black (my ’98 Toyota Tacoma that I love more than God) was a bit on the dirty side, I whipped her into a car wash and cleaned her up a bit. Then, we both went home.
As soon as I arrived and walked in the front door, my son Will asked where I’d been? I then proceeded to launch into a long, impassioned explanation of how I’d just taken my truck in for an oil change. That wasn’t enough, though. I launched into yet another impassioned recounting of how I took Ole Black for a good washing afterwards. And as I was telling Will all this stuff, the thought hit me, “Just how boring is this? And why do I give a damn about giving him such a long-assed explanation of either item?”
Right at that point it didn’t bother me too much, but about an hour or so later my son-in-law Dave walked up. He mentioned that he’d noticed I’d been gone earlier, and wondered why. I then launched into yet another impassioned speech about how I’d taken Ole Black in for an oil-change and a car wash. And as I heard myself  yet again go into all this detail about two such mundane events, the reality of what I was actually doing hit me, and my mind screamed out,
“We’re getting old, dammit! Oil changes are now a big deal So are car washes! Look at us, we’re getting mossy and mentally skanked!”
The bad thing about all of it was my mind was telling me the truth. I am getting old, and that’s a sure tell-tale sign, getting long-winded about trivial crap that even a tse-tse fly couldn’t care less about. And if I’m already caring about car washes and oil changes, then the following things are probably on the horizon:
Talking to my neighbors about their favorite garden fertilizers and why.Discussing out loud stuff like dry skin or scalp flaking problems and what the best means of addressing them are.
Discussing what types of vitamins best promote good health.
Getting into earnest discussions with my male friends about toupees vs. the natural (bald as a damn eagle) look.
Arguing that music was only music back when it was on vinyl, not on these damn MP3 computer files that are so prevalent today.
Bemoaning the loss of pay phones and empathizing with the postal service’s current problems.
Whispering under my breath to my male neighbors about how the lady down the street does yard work in far too skimpy outfits.
If I start getting verbally long-winded on any of those things, especially that last item, then I’ll know I’m getting older than the pyramids and I might as well start hiking my pants up under my armpits. I’ll truly know that old age has set in, and that park benches and clogging in those awful square dancing outfits are in my future. A future even more dismal than being given the complete works of Perry Como in MP3 format, and that should make any adult with a reasonable set of eardrums moan the blues.
Time to wrap this up, my friends. I know this week’s article was pretty much a downer, but y’all will be much happier with next week’s. In our next epistle we’ll talk about why prunes are an incredibly wonderful food, why they’re misunderstood, why our elected officials ought to aggressively promote them to their constituents, why Post should start making “Prune Toasties,” why……








Title: ChristmaSin': A Juliette Christmas Epistle
Release Date: 11/1/2009
Author: Ed Williams
Author Website: www.ed-williams.com; www.christmasinthebook.com
Publisher: Champagne Books
Buy Link: http://www.champagnebooks.com/books/index.php?main_page=index&manufacturers_id=82&zenid=66c36dcf505f1d76085a6dee1e364f98
Genre: Mainstream Fiction/Humor


Blurb: 

"The walk back into the house is a lot longer on account of toting this heavy-ass wood, and by the time we both get inside,we are hassling pretty hard. Ed Jr. turns, looks at us, laughs, and then tells us that he is going to recite an old Christmas poem for us that he’d heard many years ago. We know that it is going to be good, when he tells us to sort of listen out for Mama, and that if she happens to come into the room, mum’s the word. Once we all understand the ground rules, my dad clears his throat and recites this tender rhyme for us:
“Santa’s outfit is red and white, it’s all that he has, but it fits just right, his boots are black, his balls are blue, being cold all night does that to you. 

He has a doll for Cindy, a dog for Fred, and a New Orleans woman, sittin’ in his sled.

He laughs so jolly, never sad nor whiny, now he’s off in his sleigh, to hone some Louisiana heiny.”

6 comments:

  1. I guess I fit in here somewhere because so many of the things discussed here is favorite subjects with me lately. ha ha I am new to your books Ed but hope to still get my hands on the Christmas book as it sounds good. I retired two years ago and have not been active in buying books like I did when I worked a full time job soI have lost out on a lot. I must get back into the groove and start a Wish List of Books so I don't get left out. Have a good day. susan L.

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  2. You're too funny, Ed. I remember my dad would disappear for hours when he went to get the mail out of our mailbox. Turns out he was walking around the neighborhood, visiting with everyone, hearing all the local gossip that would have never appealed to him years earlier. Funny how age and boredom does that to you. But conversations with him became a lot more interesting... LOL (Kaylin)

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  3. Susan, you're a sweetie and a half, thanks! And Kaylin, I'm still laughin' at your comment, darlin'!

    E3

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  4. Gee Ed, thanks for the comment..you made an old gal blush. I was glad to say hello to you and had to stop by again to see what was happening since I left earlier. I just had to share the santa poem with some friends today and we all had a good laugh. I have a readers group and so we share things of interest and your poem was one that fit right in. We are all a bit crazy but in a good way..we love life in general. ha ha Have a good day. susan L.

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  5. As always, Ed, you've given us a good chuckle. We relate to the getting old. It hit one of us squarely when watching TV one evening, seeing our own reflection when we turned it off, and thinking, who's that oldie? Ah, life moves much too fast! And when it doesn't, there's prunes.

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  6. You too Susan darlin', and Angelica - don't diss the prunes, actually they don't taste all that badly!

    Prunish smoochies,

    E3

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